the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
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Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”