I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
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[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”