NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?