Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around