being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.