For the orator and chef in all of us
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rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me