I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
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Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
United Steaks of America
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years