Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
No selfies while hijacking a train.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.