I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
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ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!