Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
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Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.