BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Quadruple digit IQ
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies