Good point.
You Might Also Like
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
#dnd #ttrpg
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?