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I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks