Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”