It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
You Might Also Like
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Van Gone
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Girl, same.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”