He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
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A new level of troll.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
How do you milk an almond?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.