I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
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People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
so i’m at the stock market right
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.