“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
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Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My inexpensive home security system…
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Dead
Alive
Other✔
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.