what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
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Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.