Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
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Not all heroes wear capes….
Meat Cute
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives