The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.