Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.