best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Put the is in disheveled
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.