My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
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Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Proofread twice, hang posters once
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Perfect.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.