Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!