Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?