KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
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I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma