getting groceries
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Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.