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My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.