He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news