I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
All generalizations are stupid.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.