I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
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LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down