Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
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[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.