Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
You Might Also Like
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.