I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
You Might Also Like
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.