Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
What personal space?
My dog
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Breaking news:
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him