my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*