God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
These aliens are taking forever.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Somewhere in an alternate universe