Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
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Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.