Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.