Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.