*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
peak technology
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
when you order from DoorDastardly
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser