You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
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When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult