My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
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I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
john wicks are toilet candles
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.