Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.