I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life