They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Care for your back
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Sing it!
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.