Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I pray every night that I never become religious…
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Well, that should do it
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.