[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.