Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Living the best life.. 😊
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.